I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
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My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Sell your car
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
what’s the point then??
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?