I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
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We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.