It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
listen closely
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk