[the middle of showering] I need a break
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ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Beauty and the Beast
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas