SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
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[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.