Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
You Might Also Like
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
i have one speed and it’s mosey
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I have never related to anyone more.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”