You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
You Might Also Like
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?