A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
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In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.