There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
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boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.