Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
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No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.