One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
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There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
How funny!
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.