“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.