The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
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Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Called it
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue