As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
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There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.