[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
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The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*