[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
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ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
getting groceries
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.