This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
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you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.