Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
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Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”