Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
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“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?