Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
lol
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.