Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.