I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
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A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
2022 be like
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!