“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
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If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Lmfaoooooo
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*