My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
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Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
How high do the levels go?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.