I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
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I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
m’lady
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
There’s always that one guy
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.