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I’d love this before and after shot…lol
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Carpe DM
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I feel seen
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs