My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
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*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.