“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
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if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house