Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
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I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I am HOWLING at this
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Bless you
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.