When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
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When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well