If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
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Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.