11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
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I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them