Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks