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Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead