Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
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Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
If a snake ate a cake
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn