Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
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I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’