Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
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Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.