Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
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Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.