I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Breaking news:
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….