Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
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For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Important
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.