This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
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I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW