If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
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My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
ready to be harvested