Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
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I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Love thy neighbor’s dog
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I love twitter
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.