[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
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awkward
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.