It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
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Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
😂💯
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us