#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
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I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES