Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
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I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
S/o to @funTweeters .
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge