My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
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A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS