Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Only short people can save us
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️