waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
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My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Put the is in disheveled
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
oppen heimer style lol
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out